Canine Humor

Greetings. I received the following list from a guide dog related email list. These are good things to keep in mind and should be noted for all canine, both those here and those to come. Enjoy, and please excuse any formatting errors.

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THINGS I MUST REMEMBER WHEN I COME BACK AS A DOG....
1. The garbage man is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when lying under the coffee
table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the
bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cat's food, before they eat it or after they throw
it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet
when I am
about to throw up.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs etc just because I like
the way
they smell.
9. "Kitty Box Crunchies", although they are tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in
the backyard
after processing.
11. The diaper bucket is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew crayons or pens especially the red ones, or my people
will think
I'm hemorrhaging.
13. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window down when it's
raining.
15. When we do not have a doorbell, I will not bark each time I hear one
on T.V.
16. I will not steal my mom's nickers and dance all over the backyard with
it.
17. The lounge is not a face towel. Neither are moms and dads laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for dad's
drivers license
and registration.
20. I will not play tug of war with dad's underwear when he is on the
toilet.
21. I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage,
because
I don't want to have a
string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not play "roll around in the dirt" just after having a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of
saying hello.
24. I will not hump any person's leg just because I thought it was the
right thing
to do.
25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping next to their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my bum across the
carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply, and just because
the water
is blue it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch
when company
is over.
29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt makes people put me
outside.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy. So when I play with him and he makes
that noise,
it's usually not a good thing.
31. I will refrain from making my appearance known at dinner parties by
crawling
under the dining room table and tossing my cookies on the guests' feet.
32. I will remember that even a 6 pound ankle-biter can cause pain when
flying into
an unwary abdomen full tilt.
33. I should curb my desire to *kiss* people after I have licked my
privates or
my butt.
34. I cannot sing, period, no matter how good I THINK I sound.
Especially for no damn reason, in the middle of the night.
35. I will remember that while having good taste is shoes is very
important for
humans,
it can prove deadly for canines.